setting a boundary almost landed me in the psych ward 🧦

how I survived a narcissistic family member and lived to tell the tale.

My eyes once so magnetic, now just look so empty.

content warning: brief mentions of suicidal ideation, incest, trafficking, abuse and depression (no details or stories involved).

Girl Interrupted (1999)

This was me after a 2 month spiral, navigating surviving a narcissist—a feat I had to learn in order to continue this work. Now let me back up a bit, because this story deserves somewhat of a backstory to give context. I grew up with an occasional depression, meaning it could lie dormant for awhile until a trigger ensued and I would have severe suicidal ideation, an existential crisis, and finally go numb enough to stay alive. I’d like to think it was just some chemical imbalance I’ve had since birth, but since moving near my family again, I see how much they play a role.

On my mother’s side, not many men were born so you’d think it would be like The Secret Life of Bees but it’s more like For Colored Girls. Traumatic at best. Everything from domestic abuse, incest, trafficking, drug addiction, and mental health disorders was the norm in my family. It’s dark but I can’t change the circumstances.

I did what most people do when they realize they have free will and leave home without looking back. Cutting off the trigger from the source and learning how to heal without the closure. I grew in ways beyond belief while my spirituality became the backbone to my grief. Years went by, and I thought time healed all wounds. The part they miss is, it’s not always healed…it’s bypassed for survival. So after years of shadow work, Spirit guided me back home to the family that wounded me. Not for a test, but to heal through integration. I thought I could handle it. I had the tools and the faith this time. But life happens, and sometimes even through prayer and spells, the pain still lays bare.

So what happened?

I set a boundary.

Simple, right? What I didn’t expect was the wrath, the name-calling, the gaslighting, and the violence that I was met with. That’s the thing about family, they think they can run all over you and you just have to accept it, because there’s some sort of unspoken hierarchy in the order at which you were born. I set the boundary, experienced the pushback, and not too long after? Well, the boundary worked. They honored it even with all the fuss in between. What I didn’t expect was the mess it created afterward. I saw the mirage lift and the truth emerge. They began to spiral. And, truthfully, I felt scared for my life. This wasn’t the typical situation. They were unstable and I didn’t know how to be myself while also avoiding getting hurt in the process.

My body went into a panic. I felt out of control. Hopeless. Stuck. Pissed off that I worked so hard only to be back here. I felt I was born into the wrong family. I fell into a depression. I got existential. Nihilistic. Hovered my thumb over the suicide hotline. Checked how much self-admittance would be without insurance. Twice.

And then, I felt Spirit gently hold me while I cried. I was in a pressure cooker and I needed to let it all go. I deactivated my social media accounts and focused on getting my mental health back in order. I nurtured my inner child. Built a new Sims 4 Legacy. Played in makeup. Hugged my pets to sleep. I had to let go of the nagging, incessant feeling that made me want to go back to content again. I just needed me for a second. What I didn’t realize was this was Spirit reminding me of why I started this work in the first place. This wasn’t the first hurdle and it wouldn’t be the last.

I was being met with a challenge that some of my audience also struggles with. How do you set boundaries with someone who disregards your authority? How do you stand up for yourself when a family member puts you down? How do you get a word in when someone only wants to hear themselves talk? How do you maintain your autonomy when you’re forced to move back home?

Here’s what I learned: go back to what you know and add in what’s necessary for the wound (links to my past work).

• begin the art of self-devotion

• transmute the rage

• redefine the narrative from toxic family members

• use silence as a tool for rebellion

I was tired of being the prey so I remembered the lessons of stillness. silence. observation. How these tools can be just as powerful as exertion. There are some people that you will encounter in this world where speaking up for yourself will fall onto deaf ears. Where boundaries will be met with contempt. And instead of letting that break you, or make you feel that all those years of healing were for naught, you pivot.

You take your power back by disengaging, allowing people to be loud and wrong, and be boring as fuck so they have no energy to drain but their own. This is one of the hardest things to do, but once you realize how powerful this dance is, you never have to succumb to their grandiosity again. Sometimes you have to let people think what they want about you. Don’t correct them. Don’t fight them. Understand the energy it takes to be bothered by people who are committed to misunderstanding you. The depletion you feel trying to defend your own honor. Save it for people who are willing to come off their high horse and meet you in the lake of understanding.

Looking back, did I need to set the boundary? Yes, but I could have went about it differently. I could create the illusion that they still held the power by being neutral instead of meeting them with the same energy. One thing I’ve learned, is that people who feed off of chaos and power trips feel threatened when you push back too hard. So you stay in your own power by decreasing the impact because you know how it feels when it bounces back. People who are sensitive to other’s energy, have the responsibility to protect theirs.

I’m happy to say I’ve finally emerged from the thick of it. I’m inspired, centered, and motivated again. I hate to say it, but the grey rock method fucking works (well at least for my situation). It’s a new tool I’m learning to set boundaries for those atypical situations, along with spiritual cleansing and protection. Instead of arguing, defending your position, or correcting someone’s illusions, you become as boring as a grey rock. Unmoved by their energy in order to protect your own.

After it was all said and done, I learned that disengaging is another way of fighting back, and that just may be the most empowering thing I’ve ever done.